Skittles Are The ShitCreated 2013-06-24T22:00:57Z - Kevin Crane
Skittles are the greatest food known to man.
Discovered by the Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés in 1537, this natural delicacy has sustained humans for decades through its high nutrients and vibrant colors.
They are indigenous to the Badlands of South Dakota, growing mostly beneath the shade of overhanging rocks. While Skittles are a very bright food, they typically grow under the guise of darkness provided by these rock coverings.
No one truly knows why Skittles prefer the darkness, but legend has it that they have an ongoing feud with the Sun dating back to the Cretaceous Period. The Sun was jealous of the rare color and vibrancy of the Skittle kingdom and made it its mission to squelch their light from the Earth. The Skittles were unamused and retreated slightly into the shade, forever defeating the Sun, and the rest is history.
Today, thanks to modern agricultural advancements, we have managed to breed Skittles with surprising velocity and regularity, creating a nearly limitless supply of this colored manna of the gods. Because of their immense value, the governments of the world decided to place them under the care of a shelter corporation called Mars Inc. (fitting, given the planet Mars’ well-documented distrust of the Sun as well). This benevolent company also curates the great Starburst troves of the world, but that’s a story for later.
Thanks to disturbing trends in the dieting world, certain radical activists have become obsessed with eating less and reducing “childhood obesity”. This has had a gravely negative impact on the quantity of Skittles being ingested and has shown a corresponding decrease of the vitality of the denizens of Earth. As a result, Mars Inc. has engaged in a widespread marketing campaign to restore the rainbow pellets to their former glory.
While these advertisements may seem odd to the average Earth-goer, they are especially impressive when you consider that the Creators of Skittles are not of this planet.
Thankfully, the indomitable spirit of Skittles will surely lead them back to their natural state atop our food pyramid, watching over the lesser food groups (like bread). This much is certain.
Taste the rainbow. Or else.
I love you, Skittles. I love you forever.
It should go without saying at this point, but I hereby bestow upon Skittles, my official Kevin Crane Seal of Approval.
- Mark - 2015-04-23T07:33:31Z