A Treatise on Beards

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For the two weeks before I went to France, half the time I texted Clara she was knitting. This troubled me as I have a strict policy against dating the elderly. I would always respond by calling her “grandma” in a courteous attempt to warn her of her grievous mistake.

For whatever reason, she persisted in knitting, I assume while sitting in a rocking chair and listening to Casey Kasem's Top 40 countdown and hoping to avoid hearing that newfangled devil music they call “Rock & Roll”.
To my surprise though, when I visited her in France I saw that she was in fact not knitting a new shawl or tea cozy, but had created a delightful beanie for me!

A regular beanie!

Oh how sweet! She knew I was cold as tits in Pittsburgh and knitted me something to keep warm. Or...

OR IS IT??

You might say I should apologize to Clara for calling her a grandma when she was in fact knitting me a badass hat, but I stand by my words. All evidence avilable at the time pointed to her rapid descent into octogenarianism.

Regardless, in two weeks she did what I couldn't do in 22 years: grow a beard on my face. Bam, fuck you nature.

Nature had previously decided that I needed at least one flaw so I could fit in with the other people in the world, so it left me unable to grow a beard.

Luckily the modern world allows us to spit in the face of nature. Cuts can be stitched, illnesses can be healed, bones can be mended with Skele-Gro, and now beards can be added to faces.

I tried it out today on the bike ride to school and was very pleased. You see, in Pittsburgh the unbearded are at an evolutionary disadvantage. It is cold as an Eskimo's asshole, and the hairless often die off and are forgotten.
I wasn't scared of this happening to me (because of my myriad other genetic superiorities), but it was still inconvenient to have to be cold.
This new facial feature is, if anything, far superior to the natural version. If I go into a warm room for example, I can merely remove my magic hat, taking the beard with it. The permanent beardfolk on the other hand must suffer through chin sweat while I gloat.

Those who know me are aware of my deep adoration for beards though, just a step above the enchanting mustache. I have always looked on at beardfolk with great admiration, yearning for their gift of everlasting face fuzz.

Today though, I am a man. I have attained a beard and will treasure it as my own kin.
Love,
Kevin


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